by Nancy Bergeron, Registered Psychologist
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable, you know the pain of not being able to get close to the one you love. They’re evasive, make excuses, or are just inept when it comes to talking about feelings or the relationship. Some use anger, criticism, or activities to create distance. You end up feeling alone, depressed, unimportant, or rejected. Many aren’t even aware that they’re emotionally unavailable.
There are several types of unavailability — both temporary and chronic. Some people have always been unavailable due to mental illness or childhood attachment issues. Others temporarily make something a higher priority than a relationship, such as a family obligation, education, a project, or a health concern. People who are recently divorced or widowed may temporarily not be ready to get involved with someone new. Finally, there are those who are too afraid to risk falling in love, because they’ve been hurt in the past, which may include being hurt by a parent when they were a child. Often these different reasons for unavailability overlap, and it’s difficult to ascertain whether the problem is chronic or will pass.
If you’re looking for a close, committed relationship, a person who’s living in another province, married, or still in love with someone else is not going to be there for you. Similarly, addicts, including workaholics, are unavailable because their addiction is the priority, and it controls them. Still others give the appearance of availability and speak openly about their feelings and their past. You don’t realize until you’re already in a relationship that they’re unable to really connect emotionally on an intimate level or make a commitment.
Here’s a list of subtle red flags that may signal unavailability, especially when several apply. These are true for both genders.
- Flirting and Flattery. Some are too flattering. Like snake charmers, these wooers may also be adept listeners and communicators. Often good at short-term intimacy, some allure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch. Love Bombing.
- Control. Someone who won’t be inconvenienced to modify their routine. Typically, they are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around them.
- Disclosure. They may hint or even admit that they aren’t good at relationships, or don’t believe in or aren’t ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them.
- The Past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship, and why it ended. You may learn that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.
- Perfection. These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their past partners.
- Anger. Notice rudeness to waiters and others that may reveal covert rage. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.
- Arrogance. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed.
- Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate and can also indicate the person is avoiding relationships.
- Invasiveness or Evasiveness. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or sex, for example, may indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.
- Seduction. Beware of sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity, because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power-play and about conquest. Love Bombing.
Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, if they are emotionally unavailable, you’re left with nothing but pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long-term misery. Always focus on their actions not their words.
