by Nancy Bergeron, Registered Psychologist, [email protected]
When I introduce myself and what my therapeutic specialty is, I often hear “Oh, that’s an addiction, that sounds like a fun problem to have” or “is that really a thing?” It couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never witnessed so much pain and devastation within a treatment population, partners, and families. These clients show up begging for help. It’s like torture. There is a type I or classical sex addiction, which is progressive over time—like going from masturbating to porn to calling chat lines to meeting people anonymously. There is often trauma in the person’s life from attachment issues, sexual abuse, and emotional or physical neglect. Then there is the type II sex addict, where I am seeing young people who have grown up looking at porn all their lives due to the digital age. They don’t necessarily have trauma or neglect in their childhood, most come from warm, high functioning families. The parents have no idea that their child has been engrossed in internet pornography since the sensitive age of 8 or 9 years old, and many times even younger. It’s just not something on their radar at that young of an age. And…it’s not just boys that I am seeing. The rise of women and girls coming for sex and porn addiction issues has increased exponentially. There is no progression; the people growing up with this porn get addicted right away, and it becomes their lives. When somebody comes in and says—and this is not uncommon—“I watch porn and act out 5 hours a day” you know there is an issue.
People want to know how I can work with this population day after day, because they might perceive them as despicable, deviant human beings. I can tell you, it has been my greatest honor to work with this group of individuals and their partners who are trying to come to grips with intimate betrayal trauma. How many of us get to work with individuals who want to change everything about their lives? They’ve destroyed themselves and those they love trying to do this on their own. Their brains have been damaged and pleasure receptors have burned out. They come to me devastated, filled with shame and guilt. I love and unconditionally accept them back to emotional and mental health. I have enormous empathy for what they and their partners are going through.
Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results. The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships, or even arrest.
When someone has sex, they feel the rush of endorphins flooding their brain. Similar to how some drugs trigger the release of dopamine. This can make the process of looking for and having sex a strain in the person’s life. Rather than them enjoying what sex they have, they are instantly compelled to look for their next “hit.” What makes this addiction so hard is that, unlike using opioids or meth, sex is necessary for life. We, as humans, have a biological imperative to have sex and continue our progeny. So, sex isn’t just something that many people can forsake, especially if they wish to have children and relationships in the traditional sense.
It is important to note that sexual behavior is a normal, healthy part of life and many people enjoy being active with multiple sexual partners or seeking out many different kinds of sexual experiences. It is not my place to judge. I am a sex-positive therapist and want my clients to enjoy lots of healthy, intimate sex in their lives. Compulsive sexual behavior becomes problematic when it causes significant distress to an individual or puts them at risk of harming themselves or someone else.
Some individuals may avoid difficult emotions, such as sadness or shame, and seek temporary relief by engaging in sexual behavior. Sexual cravings, therefore, can mask other issues such as depression, anxiety, and stress. There are many anonymous surveys one can take online to see if they or their loved one are meeting the criteria. If you or someone you love is seeking help, look for a clinician who is a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) as they will have the skills necessary to help you on your journey to healthy sexuality and intimacy.
