by Nancy Bergeron, RPsych
Building friendships in the first 18+ years of our lives generally comes quite naturally and is easy. Most of our time is spent in school, with people our age who have somewhat similar interests and backgrounds. As we enter adulthood, those friendships tend to fade. We move away, get involved romantic relationships, and maybe have children. Most of our time is dedicated to work and home responsibilities, and less on building social connections.
It’s not just the quality of our friendships that change, but also the quantity. During young adulthood, the average person spends more than two hours of their day with friends; by the time they turn 40, it’s less than one. And the daily time people spend alone more than doubles between the ages of 20 and 80. Not everyone wants or needs to have as many friends around as an adult as they did in their 20s. But research shows there are biological benefits to hanging out with your peers, even if you don’t feel lonely. Aristotle wrote that “without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.”
Researchers are studying the mechanisms through which social connection bolsters our health. Some say it’s because friends help buffer the long-term toxic effects of stress and adversity. Others say it’s because friends can influence us to adopt better lifestyle habits, and give meaning and purpose to our lives. Whatever the reason, an analysis in 2010 reviewed 148 studies with more than 300,000 participants and found that strong social relationships had about the same effect on all-cause mortality risk as quitting smoking. People with more close friends report being more satisfied with their lives, and are less at risk of dementia and heart disease. The reverse is also true: Social isolation, and its perceived neighbor, loneliness, is bad for our physical and mental health.
There’s evidence that the quality of our relationships matter more than the quantity. So, if our circle gets smaller and tighter as we age, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sadly, people are less connected today than they used to be. Social networks have shrunk, and so has participation in community activities, like church groups or bridge clubs. We eat fewer meals together and tend to accept fewer invitations to join social groups.
Unfortunately, Social Media can serve as a fallacy that prevents people from making real-life friends. If you’re up on a Saturday night talking to people in a Facebook group, then isn’t it almost the same as being out with people? Studies show it’s not. In 2013, researchers analyzed the results of a survey of 5,025 Canadian residents aged 16 and up that asked questions about subjective well-being and social networks. They found that the number of “real-life” friends respondents reported having was correlated with higher subjective well-being, especially for people with no stable romantic partner, while the number of online friends they said they had was not.
A California State University study showed that the 5 factors most important to building friendship are: reciprocal candor, mutual interest, personableness, similarity, and physical attraction. Just as with romantic partners, we like to have friends who look like us and are physically attractive. It’s what’s known as the homophily effect. And the attraction to similarity isn’t just limited to appearance. Apparently, we gravitate towards friends who are as genetically related to us as our fourth cousins.
It’s just as important to invest the same time and energy in finding the right friend as you do in seeking your romantic relationships. Jeffrey Hall (2018), University of Kansas, found that it takes between 40 and 60 hours to form a casual friendship with someone in the first six weeks of knowing them; between 80 and 100 hours to transform a casual friend into a friend; and more than 200 hours to transition from friends to good or best friends.
So how do you make new friends as an adult? Gravitate towards people who share the same interests as you. Join a hobby club, sing in a choir, join a sport, or volunteer. It can be as easy as walking in your neighborhood every day, and saying hello to those you pass (especially if you happen to have a friendly dog with you). Take charge of your mental and physical wellbeing. I challenge you to get out there and discover your community. Just start by smiling and saying hello to someone new.
